Episode #9: How To Disagree Agreeably

Never use "but" or "however." No matter how much you empathize with someone, if you follow up your positive sounding statement with words like "but" or "however," it will negate everything prior. Before you know it you are arguing with each other. It doesn’t have to be like that folks.

Before we get into this week’s topic, here is what caught my attention lately.

Japanese men and women ranked second in the world in average life expectancy in 2016, after setting new longevity records for five straight years according to the Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry. Men climbed to second from fourth place with an average life expectancy of 80.98 years. Shall we round that up to 81? For women they are still in second place with 87.14 years. Hong Kong leads with 81.32 for men and 87.34 for women. The Ministry attributes this improvement to progress in medical treatment and drugs, more health conscious lifestyles and fewer people committing suicide. Japan has 65,692 centenarians as at September 2016. Do you want to live to a hundred or longer?

This is episode number 9 and we are talking about How To Disagree Agreeably.

Soredewa ikimasho, so let's get going.

It's inevitable - at some point disagreements are going to come up in the workplace. Power struggles, political plays, sectionalism, siloism – the list goes on regarding sources of organizational conflict. As we all know, disagreements can get heated quickly and it can be difficult to put aside our opinions and biases in order to handle the situation diplomatically. We can get locked into positions and we regret what we said later.

Powerfully motivated people often have powerful egos and when conflicts arise, teamwork can be compromised. It can become our team against their team, except we are all working for the same organization! We have conveniently forgotten all about our competitors in the market, as we turn on each other. This is not a winning formula. Positive internal collaboration is a product of the culture created in the organization and needs to be built and rebuilt all the time. It doesn’t have to be a “winner takes all” and the losers are vanquished in a battle of wills and egos. There are several tried and true methods to "disagree agreeably” with colleagues and get the issues out on the table, but still preserve the teamwork. Would that be something that would be worthwhile pursuing? The opportunity cost of wasting energy fighting each other and not winning in the market is huge. We should stop shooting ourselves in the foot. Let’s become a united team that allows many viewpoints and alternate ideas. Sounds good except most organisations have no idea how to do that. Here are some ideas on how to navigate a disagreement in an empathetic manner, while presenting your point of view.

1. Give the benefit of the doubt. Don't immediately jump to conclusions even if you disagree with someone. Be generous with others.Hear them out, you may have more in common than you initially thought. We are not perfect, we don’t have all of the possible information or all of the possible angles to view an issue. Instead of concentrating on defending what we think, we should start with an open mind that there are many paths to the mountain top. We may be wrong and wouldn’t we want to have the latest and best information available, as we duke it out in the marketplace with our competitors?

2. Listen to learn and understand. Be an engaged listener, make sure you are listening on an empathetic level instead of just pretending to listen. We do this don’t we.By gathering all the facts about the other person's point of view, you will be able to deliver your counterpoint in a diplomatic manner. We need to switch gears from what we usually do. We are often notorious interrupters, jumping in finishing off other’s sentences before they do, or just talking over the top of them to thrust our opinion forward. We have trouble maintaining our listening capability when our brain is awash with what we want to say. Our own internal conversation is all encompassing, roaring and it is effectively drowning out the points being made by the other person. We need to be better at listening to others before we shoot our mouths off. It should be done in this order – ear, brain, mouth - not ear, mouth, brain.

3. Use a cushion. This is inserting a little break in the proceedings, so we can think before we speak.Acknowledge the other person's point of view and relate to their emotions through empathetic listening. How do we do that? We can use cushion statements such as "I hear what you're saying and what you're saying is important" or "I understand your point of view" to demonstrate that you understand and care about their feelings. As I said, it is important to wait until they have finished speaking before we respond. I know, I know, this might feel absolutely painful and excruciating but do it! Having exercised some patience to hear them out, now we bring in the cushion. This is a great little interregnum to allow us some thinking time before we go into our response. Our immediate first response is usually not our most considered or best response. It can often be an emotional response as well. Cushion, then respond – the results are enormously different. It takes practice and won’t come naturally but the rewards are vast.

4. Never use "but" or "however." No matter how much you empathize with someone, if you follow up your cushion statement with words like "but" or "however," it will negate everything prior. You lose credibility and the person you're disagreeing with is unlikely to take your thoughts seriously from this point on. We are all trained like hawks to watch for body language guiding us as to whether they agree with what we are saying or not. So we have to make sure we are not giving off a negative vibe without even being aware of it. We are also trained to listen for key words that tell us whether we have an argument on our hands or not. Words like “but”, “however”, “in reality” etc, set off alarms in our heads. We immediately arm ourselves for counterattack when we hear those words.

Sun Zu’s advice in The Art of War, was to win without fighting, so let’s do that. Instead of words that contradict the other person’s original statement, use words like "and" or insert a pause instead. Here is an example. “That is a good idea but we have to look at the budget ramifications”. This sounds negative and unhelpful. Try this instead, “That is a good idea and we will need to look at the budget ramifications”. The impression we get from the second version is more positive and hopeful. Just change one word and the inference is vastly different.

5. State your opinion with evidence. Opinions are easy to refute, but facts are difficult to argue with. By backing up your point of view with evidence, you come across as more credible and can gain valuable leverage in a disagreement. By utilizing evidence, you may even be able to bring someone over to your line of thinking. It is also a smart move to bring in the facts in a subtle way. Rather than using facts as a mallet to belt them with, offer some consideration such as “I may not have all the facts but I was aware that this was the case, how does that correspond with your experience?” Always be aware that people don’t like to lose face, be embarrassed, be humiliated or to feel slighted. We know this but in the heat of the moment we may go too far. Ramming facts down their throat may mean you are correct. This may make you feel good, but you potentially create an enemy for life nevertheless. We get into trouble when the message is delivered in the wrong way.

So try these ideas and become much better with holding your position, being heard and retaining the relationship with people who disagree with you.