Episode #99: Negotiating with Difficult People

The vast majority of us are amateurs, when it comes to negotiating. Even in business, we would only be involved a few times a year perhaps in a major negotiation. Rather than trying to work it out by ourselves let’s take a look at some guidelines to make the whole process easier.

Sadly, not everyone is like us – wonderful, charming, amusing, attractive. Despite our best efforts to be a role model of perfection, setting them a good example, others persist in being a major pain. Here are 7 selective tips on negotiating with the difficult amongst us.

1. Have a positive attitude

Sounds like a motherhood statement but deciding to see the negotiation as a learning experience in the real laboratory of life, as a means to enhance our win-win negotiating skills, changes the starting point of the discussion in our favour.

2. Clearly define and agree on the issue

Sometimes we are arguing about different things under the same banner. By defining the issue in commonly understood words, we are a long way toward achieving better clarity about what is at stake. If the issue is a biggy, then break it down into bits that can be dealt with one by one, in concrete detail.

3. Do your homework

Start by taking the other person’s case and building the argument from their perspective. This often opens up gaps in our information or assumptions we are drawing, based on no particular facts. Decide what is our BATNA – the best alternative to a negotiated agreement or our walk away position. Also determine what we can accept, what we can live with and what would be an ideal outcome.

4. Take an honest inventory of yourself

Be more self-aware of aspects of your personality and style which may help or hinder the negotiations. Nominate your “hot buttons”, which if they get pushed, triggers an explosion inside you and decide not to allow yourself to react that way. Watch your language and tone, as these usually go straight to the default mode in arguing and you probably don’t want to go there.

5. Look for shared interests

Conflict has a way of magnifying perceived differences and minimizing similarities, so look for common goals and desired outcomes. There may be a common objective but the disagreement is often around the best path toward achieving it. Focusing on the common goal and the desired future, keeps the conversation moving forward.

6. Deal with facts, not emotions

Maintaining a goal oriented rational approach may be difficult, especially when the ego gets in play, but try and de-personalize the conflict and separate the issues from the personalities involved. Instead of being defensive, ask clarifying questions that get them talking and you listening.

7. Be an expert communicator

Be clear, be clear, be clear. Ask questions, paraphrase for understanding and always check for their understanding of what you are saying. Miscommunication is often the major culprit in conflict.

Tricky personalities and difficult people will never just conveniently go away. Instead, we need to be better prepared in dealing with them. We can keep repeating the same procedures and wonder why we never get a better result or we change our approach. Einstein’s definition of being crazy by the way, was to keep doing the same things but expect a different result. Don’t go crazy - these practical tips will help us on the journey to a less stressful and more rewarding future.