Episode #437: How Leaders Can Strengthen Relationships With Their Team (Part One)

As leaders, naturally we all want to build a strong relationship with our team. However, not all relationships with our team members work well. The Pareto Principle says that 20% of our team produce 80% of the results. That means we are paying for 80% of the people, who only produce 20% of the results. That is bound to be an irritation for leaders, when they cast their eye across those members of their team who are not producing as much as others. We might think they should change, so that they are doing a lot better and so make it easier for us to lead them. Unfortunately, we can’t change others. We can only change how we think and behave.

If we see them as a problem, then the chances are high that we won’t have a positive relationship with them. We won’t spend much time with them and will obviously prefer to be around the high performing producers. This in turn de-motivates the 80% group and we set up a cycle of grief. On the other hand, if we accept that there will always be a statistical 20% and 80% grouping, we can focus on getting the results we need by combining the entire power of the team. We need to focus on how to get the 20% operating at an even higher level. We have to accept, that no matter how much they produce, there will always be an 80% cohort.

People have different strengths and our job is similar to that of the orchestra conductor. We need to find ways to get the most from every person, in sync and in harmony with each other. Of course, we have the 20%, the star vocalists and the first violin, but we need everyone else working well or we won’t function properly as a team. We need to change the way we interact with everyone in the team, so we have a happy work environment, where everyone feels appreciated. This means we need to change ourselves first and re-think our attitudes.

That’s the whole thinking behind Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People – getting change with people is not about manipulation. It is not about us honing our persuasion skills conniving for them to change. It’s about changing ourselves first and by extension how we approach our team members. If we approach the lower performing people in the same negative way, every time, we will always get the same negative counter reaction. If we change the angle of our approach by just three positive degrees, then we will get a positive counter reaction.

The point is, we have to make that decision to change those three degrees on our side first, rather than expecting them to change themselves to suit how we like things. There are some excellent, proven, time tested Human Relations Principles we can draw on to help us with this. Let’s look at Dale Carnegie’s Principles numbered one through three.

1. Don’t criticise, condemn, or complain.

How many times have you criticised someone and had them admit they were wrong and tell you that you were completely right? It almost never happens because people rush to defend themselves and want to justify whatever it is they are doing. If we do criticise them knowing this, then all we are doing is setting ourselves up to fail to change them and even worse, create bad feelings between us and demotivate the rest of the team.

2. Give honest, sincere appreciation.

This sounds so simple, except that we don’t do it. It is not that we give fake or dishonest appreciation, because we don’t give any appreciation period. We expect everyone to be doing what they should be doing, what they are being paid for, but we show no any appreciation of that. Then we wonder why it is hard to get people to cooperate with us? The consequence is that everyone is starved of appreciation.

They are also quite sensitive to any attempts at flattery and will dismiss what we say as dishonest words, somehow trying to trick them into doing something they don’t want to do. So, we have to identify something concrete and provable that they did and then praise that in specific detail.

For example, “Suzuki san, I appreciated the fact you got back to me on time with the information I requested, it really helped me meet the deadline. Thank you for your cooperation”. The praise is specific and true and Suzuki san is more likely to accept the praise as being honest. The key is to connect the praise with evidence.

3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

We all want lots of things. In fact, we spend almost 100% of our day focused on what we want. The issue though is when we need the cooperation of others. They are focusing on what they want too and are not particularly interested in our needs, wants or requirements.

We need to switch our communication to focus on things which are also important to them. What does the team member want? Do we know what that is and do we know it in detail? In this way, they will feel there is something directly positive for them and they are more motivated to agree to our ideas and work harder to deliver the goal achievement. How do you need to change your communication style and content, to get the type of cooperation you need, where the other person thinks this is in their interests too? Listen to what comes out of your mouth and check if it is all about what you want and when you want it.

As leaders, we get the team and the results we deserve. If we want to improve on what we have, then we have to start with changing ourselves, as painful, difficult and embarrassing as that may be. Or we can just keep whining about the bad hand we have been dealt. If it is the latter, don’t worry, you won’t be short of company, as there are plenty of leaders doing just that. Probably not a crowd you will want to be part of though, because they are the 80% of leaders producing 20% of the results.