Episode #211: Twelve Steps To A Win-Win Conflict Resolution Part One

“Remember that other people may be totally wrong, but they don’t think so”. This quote from Dale Carnegie sums up the problem. All those other people we have trouble with, had better fly straight. All they need is a better understanding of why they are wrong and we are right. By force of will, strenuous, sustained argument and politicking we will win the day. Or will we?

Actually, getting a clear win in internal conflict situations is rarely the result. Battles are won but wars are lost. Energy that should be directed at the competitors is instead turned loose on our own team, to no good outcome. We need to be able to deal with internal conflicts in a way that resolves the issues in a positive way. Not so easy!

People tend to gravitate toward extremes. They either fold and don’t stand up for what they feel is right or they try and bulldoze everyone else and make them bend to their will. If we want progress, we need a better way forward, achieved thorough compromise and collaboration.

Here are 12 Win-Win steps we can take to turn things around.

1. Have a positive attitude

Our attitude is a big factor. If we shift our thinking to how this conflict situation can be converted into a learning and growth opportunity we will have more success. Easy to say, but not so easy to do!

2. Meet on mutual ground

Find a neutral location to remove all the residue of the past from your front of mind. Find a mutually agreeable time, when you won’t have interruptions. Don’t try and deal with complex conflicts over the phone or by email warfare – do it face to face.

3. Clearly define and agree on the issue

We might be arguing at cross purposes, so let’s clarify precisely what the real issue is and concentrate on that. If it has many facets and is complex, let’s break it up into component parts. Attach priorities and start with the most pressing core issues.

4. Do your homework

Think about the issue from the other side’s perspective, as well as from your own. Some things are must haves and some are nice to haves – be clear about which is which. Also, at the very start define your BATNA or Best Alternative To A Negotiated Agreement – basically your walk away position.

5. Take an honest inventory of yourself

You know yourself. You know your own “hot buttons” that need to be reined in. Are your feelings leading the charge or is your brain determining how this should progress.

6. Look for shared interests

Conflict pulls you from the extremes and compromise meets in the middle. To get agreement we need to emphasise where we are similar, have shared interests and objectives. Move the discussion to the future, rather than raking over the coals of the past disputes, crimes and misdemeanors.

In Part Two, we will cover the six remaining steps.