Dealing With The Most Difficult People

Sadly not everyone is like us. At time, we have to deal with people who are quite rude or aggressive. This usually triggers an escalation of tensions and problems arise and smolder away under the surface, until the next eruption occurs. How can we stop this vicious cycle of downward spiraling emotions? That is what we will deal with today.
　
Japan is a crazy place. A pair of hybrid melons from the City of Yubari in Hokkaido fetched a record price of five million yen or forty six thousand dollars at the start of the season. The melons usually sell for between four thousand yen and ten thousand yen and are given away as seasonal gifts. In other news, Japan was the world’s top investor in two thousand and eighteen. This is the twenty eight consecutive year that Japan has been number one. The net balance of assets held by the Japanese government, companies and individual investors stood at three hundred and forty one point five six trillion yen or three point eleven trillion dollars. Germany was second at two hundred and sixty trillion yen and China at Two hundred and thirty six trillion. Direct investment in the USA by Japan was a record high of fifty five point six three trillion yen or five hundred and nineteen billion dollars. Japan’s total overseas investments was also up by zero point five percent to reach one thousand and eighteen trillion yen or nine point three two trillion dollars, rising for the tenth straight year. Finally, the government is going to legislate to reduce food waste. Major convenience store operators Seven eleven and Lawson will start discounting rice balls and lunch boxes that are close to their expiry dates, by offering customers enrolled in their loyalty campaigns special shopping credits worth five percent of the value of purchases. The Japanese government said there was six point four three million tons of waste in two thousand and sixteen and half of that came from the commercial sector.
　
You know you are not perfect, but some of those around you are a real pain to deal with. Why are they so difficult to get on with? Who knows, but the easiest way forward is to reduce the stress to a minimum by avoiding them or minimizing any interactions. I mean, come on, putting up with these people is exhausting and just wastes a lot of valuable time.
　
That may be true, but in fact unresolved conflicts, miscommunication and diminished information exchange, leads to even greater time wastage, morale hits and the bottom line of lost productivity. If your rivals are dealing better with these internal issues than you are, in the end, their team will win in the marketplace.
　
One of the conundrums is defining “difficult”. It varies so much between individuals and from situation to situation. Nevertheless, we can all recognize trouble immediately when we see it. Can we control other people, especially those we deem difficult? Good luck on that one! We can however control ourselves in any situation or relationship. A bit of self-reflection will help to flush out our perceptions, biases, attitudes, behaviours, feelings and communication style that might be fueling conflict.
　
Past situation analysis is a handy tool to plumb the depths of our unhappiness with others. Reflect on a situation where you didn’t handle the difficult person well and things rapidly deteriorated. What was the trigger point for you or them? What was the outcome after the confrontation? Is it possible you contributed to the explosion of emotions? What was the biggest lesson you came away with from this meltdown? Additionally, have there been any situations where you did pretty well handing a difficult colleague? What worked, what was the outcome and what did you learn as a result?
　
A handy helper in the tool box of dealing with the difficult is “the benefit of the doubt”. This means suspending the attractive beliefs that you are right, they are wrong, you are perfect and they are an idiot. Before allowing the chemical reaction in the body to take over and go into fight or flight mode, mentally just hit the pause button for 6 seconds.
　
What do you know about this person that might be triggering their behavior that you find upsetting or at the least plain annoying? Is there some historical context operating here around they way they were raised, the life experiences they have had and the influences they have absorbed? Is this a communication issue because neither of you are a native speaker of the same language? Keep the pause button on hold for another 6 seconds and think if there is some situational context in play here. Have they scratched the duco on their new car that morning, had a fight with their partner at home, just been royally chewed out by their boss, etc?
　
If you really want to learn how to do better with people, then the Dale Carnegie Course is a wonderful programme to help you do just that. This is a twelve week programme that improves communication, leadership and people skills. The next Japanese language programme will start on September 18th. There is also a three day Immersion version available starting on August 22nd. The next twelve week programe in English will commence on September 26th. Details can be found at enjapan.dalecarnegie.com Back to the show.
　
When we take a breath and pause, we can have better control over how we react to them, rather than letting the chemical surge take over. There are some useful human relations principles we can apply to move us into a positive mental framework. Instead of telling others what they need to do to fly straight, we can swap in some questions instead. What led them to reach that conclusion? What experience has led them to believe their idea is the best solution? The hard bit is biting our tongue after we have asked the question, so that we don’t cut them off and jump in with our own shiny insight. Instead, hear them out and ask follow up questions. This now allows us to better understand what is driving the disagreement or their behavior.
　
Letting them save face is a handy idea. Our egos can lock us into positions we don’t fully hold, because we don’t want to be seen to be backing down. We can take the ego bit out of the equation by how we communicate during the interaction. Being polite, reasonable and open goes a long way to reaching a resolution.
　
We might even disarm them with praise and honest appreciation for raising their countervailing views with us. When they know there is likely to be a disagreement, they mentally gear up for battle. By not providing a target there is no battle. We could thank them for being forthright and candid. We might mention some mistakes we have made in the past and how we have resolved to do a better job of educating ourselves and thank them for widening our range of viewpoints. There is nothing more disconcerting than trying to argue with someone who doesn't argue back, but instead praises you.
　
Hard core difficult types may still try to get a rise out of us, because they need to have a fight, but let’s not fall for that one. Instead get them talking about the way they came to their conclusion and where they have seen this work well in the past. Smiling silence is our best defence, as we get them to do the talking.
　
Difficult people are only difficult if we allow them to annoy us. When we take the high road, they often just run out of gas because we are not supplying the fuel for the fight. This is the verbal aikido approach of not confronting or resisting attacks, but re-directing the energy along a path of our own choosing. Superior human relations skills are a powerful ally in dealing with the difficult, but they need practice and discipline.
　
Try using these ideas and life will get a whole lot easier!